Seeking forgiveness
by Elithien
Summary: After the kinslay at Alqualonde, Finarfin tries to get the forgiveness of Earwen, but she reminds him that there is more to forgiveness than just saying sorry to her and her father


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here!

It was cold and windy but it didn't stop her from going down to the rock pools. When I couldn't find her in her father's house or with any of the injured mariners, I knew she would be there. I searched the North of the beach and found her there alone with the swans, sitting on the rock with the water up past her ankles. The white light in the lantern she kept snug in a crevice of the rock flickered uncertainly.  
  
The waves crashed about them and the birds flew away, but she stayed there, unmoving and silent. The foamy water sloshed about her, over her lap, soaking her dress. The wind battered at her, still she did not move.  
  
Carefully, I made my away around the rocks towards her, holding my lantern before me to light my dangerous path. She always made her way easily to the most peculiar places around here and it was always I who had a rough time trying to reach her.  
  
I was only a few rocks behind her when I heard her soft voice singing against the cries of the sea. I stop and listen to her prayer to the Lady Uinen, for once asking that she would not lay her net of calm upon the waters and restrain her treacherous spouse.  
  
With her last few words of song, she throws the white water flowers into the sea along with pearls and a few crystals.  
  
Then she is silent, sitting and watching the sea. She knows I'm here.  
  
"Eärwen," I say to her gently, jumping to the next rock and at last joining her.  
  
She holds a string of pearls in her hand and I see more flowers there in her lap. She doesn't turn to look at me.  
  
My chest tightens as she lets the pearls loose into the grasps of the sea and even in this cold, my face feels burns with shame.  
  
"Eärwen," I say her name again, but still she does not look at me.  
  
She didn't look at me either when I went to her father to beg for forgiveness for what my brothers had done. No, there was no forgiveness in her eyes as she stood beside her father's throne – a princess of the Teleri and not a princess of the Noldor.  
  
What does she want me to say? I have already repented of what sin I have done, if indeed I had done any. What does she want of me?  
  
"Eärwen, I am sorry," I say pathetically.  
  
At this she stands up and lets the flowers fall from her lap and be swept away by the waters. I open my mouth to say something, thinking that she is going to walk away again, like she had done when I opened my mouth to speak to her father, but she doesn't leave. She picks up the lantern, stops and turns around, looking at me.  
  
The skirt of her white gown is wet and sticks to her legs like the wet sails of a ship about the mast. Her long, white hair billows about her and her clear, grey eyes stare at me.  
  
"It is not me whom you should seek forgiveness from," she says and then turns away, leaping from rock to rock.  
  
I bound after her on the rocks, the wind and the waters grabbing at me, trying to stop me from catching up to her.  
  
Is she thinking about the times where I used to playfully chase behind her here at the rock pools too? Does she remember the countless times I've fallen into the ocean trying to follow her, the times where we ran on the beach until our legs were too tired to carry us any further?  
  
I did not hurt your people, Eärwen. It is not my sword that is stained with the blood of Telerin mariners.  
  
She climbs deftly over the rocks and onto the sand dunes, disappearing from my sight.  
  
And of course it would be just like her to condemn me for even owning a sword.  
  
Struggling, I follow her. Is she so angered with me that she would forget all of these fond memories of us and our children? After this, is she happier to forget me and be glad that there would be no more chances to make more memories?  
  
The sand slips beneath my feet and fall over, cursing, but I get back up quickly; I cannot loose sight of her.  
  
Yes, my brothers slew those innocent mariners, but I did not, and yes, I did leave without you, I followed my brothers, but I turned back! I turned back out of goodness, I turned back for you. Do you not see that in me? Do you not see how I love you, Eärwen? Do you not see how I am sorry?  
  
Again I catch sight of her, she is standing on the top of the sand dune. I struggle up towards her, puffing slightly; Eärwen is completely composed, one with the beach.  
  
"My children are gone, Arafinwë," she says softly. "I have no trust in your kin, and I will admit to you that my trust in the Valar, in Ossë and Uinen, has somewhat diminished as well."  
  
I stop, watching her. She's breathing heavily and I see the tears in her eyes. The wind blows sand at me and I too have tears in mine.  
  
"I am not as wise as you are; I cannot understand what evil it was that gave your brother the strength to commit such feats. Nor can I understand how they were allowed to get away with their crimes without punishment," she continues, her voice strained and angry. "And in all truthfulness, I think you are a fool for have following them. Of all times, today would have been the best and most righteous time to show your aloofness from your brothers' folly."  
  
I frown and struggle to breathe.  
  
"But I came back," I say pitifully.  
  
"Yes," she says softly. "You have."  
  
She holds out her hand to me and I take it.  
  
"And it is because you came back that I know that I will be fine," she whispers.  
  
I move closer to her and gently wipe the tears from her cheek, but she takes my other hand and stops me. She looks up at me with wide-eyes, clear, blue and teary. Her breathes are deep and her lips are trembling.  
  
"It pains my heart to know that our children would rather choose this path away from here. My life will never be as whole as it was before. But I know that it will not be empty, for I still have you with me," she sobs.  
  
She lets go of me and takes a step back away from me, staring at me with a frown.  
  
"Don't beg for forgiveness from me, son of Finwë," she says, somewhat angrily. It hurts me, the way she looks at me. "For I will be fine. I yet have you with me. I have both you, my father and my brothers."  
  
She takes another step away from me and points over the sand dune we stand on onto the beach. I see the anger in her eyes increase tenfold.  
  
"But she does not!" Eärwen cries loudly.  
  
Breathing heavily, I take a few steps forward and dare look over the sand dune.  
  
At first I cannot make out what it is she's pointing to, but then I see. There is a woman on the beach, some few meters away from the few lanterns she has with her.  
  
She's kneeling in the surf and she cries aloud in pain and grief to the sea. The sea cries along wither her, the water crashes against and around her small form, the wind hollers in her ears. She is screaming and throwing hands full of sand back at the rolling waters.  
  
And against the blue and grey hues of her dress, I see the red of blood.  
  
I understand you now, Eärwen.  
  
Out of the shadows of the beach a small figure runs towards the woman. As the figure gets closer to the lights of the lamps, I realise it is a child.  
  
The child runs into the embrace of the woman and they both collapse on the sand in tears.  
  
I sigh heavily and I cannot stop my lips from trembling, nor the tears in my eyes. I too have lost my father, dear maiden. I have lost my children and my brothers. I know how you pain.  
  
Eärwen gently takes my hand again.  
  
"It isn't my father or I whom you should be begging forgiveness from, Arafinwë. It is her, and all the others who have lost someone dear to their hearts because of your people," she whispers.  
  
No, I don't know her pain. My beloved were not lost by the hands of my own kin. Eärwen is right. It is not only her whom I should be begging forgiveness of.  
  
I turn to Eärwen and we both stare at each other for a few moments, before sharing a tearful embrace.  
  
I am not skilful with my hands, nor am I that bold, strong or of fiery temperament like my brothers. But I know when I am wrong and I am not afraid to repent. I am not afraid of shame, I am not afraid of dishonour, for there is none is seeking forgiveness. And that is why she still loves me.

* * *

_**Notes:**  
  
Although we don't know how many or who they really are, Eärwen did have brothers because they were friends with Finarfin.  
  
Not much is written about Finarfin in canon, except that it was pretty much the pansy of his family. He's also, if you notice, the only one whose personal relationships, whether it be with his brother's or his wife, did not break down. _


End file.
